April Fools

What do you do when it’s a beautiful day outside and your birthday is tomorrow but all you want to do is cry?

I feel alone. 

I want to be celebrated but who really wants to celebrate me?

I know I can do for myself, make myself a cake, go skating but I feel alone.

My heart longs for release of this never ending feeling of isolation. 

Is it my fault? Have I pushed people away and kept them at arms length? Have I hidden and buried my truth so deep that I can’t even find it? 

I need a release.

I feel so infinite and vast, so deep and dark. Like shining a light into my depth would only show how much deeper there is to go. Is it my fault they don’t know?

My birthday seems so inconvenient, so unimportant, so much like a joke. Usually it falls on Easter Sunday the day Christ rose again… I think. 

I should just celebrate me. 

Celebrate how far I’ve come, and the trauma I’ve left behind. 

Celebrate that I’m alive and well and have goals I plan on reaching. 

Celebrating the pillow under my head and the roof that protects me. 

Celebrate that I have a dog that loves me and I’m nourishing my body. 

Celebrate the fact that Creator has my back at every turn.  

Celebrate that I’m a forever student, yearning to learn. 

Celebrate that I’m coming into my authenticity. 

Celebrate that no one can tell me how to be me.

Celebrate the fact I’m finding my voice.

Celebrate realizing I’ve always had a choice.

April Fools by Audiaunna Dooley